18 years I’ve been with this stud muffin! Don’t think for a second that we’ve never gone through the motions! What’s worked and what hasn’t. We have surfed the waves and fallen plenty of times! We have fought. We’ve battled. We’ve yelled, screamed and rode just about every wave there is.
However, the question we get asked a lot is, “So how do you guys make it work?”
In this blog post, we will be sharing what we do on the daily, the struggles we go through, the importance of sex in marriage and our faith.
I’ve learned over the years that my daily activities and actions have to be more family focused to bring the sense of fulfillment I need as a husband and father besides getting my work done for the day.
In our marriage, I am often focused on how I can make Ashley’s day brighter and make sure she feels taken care of. This might look like a random run to Starbucks to grab her favorite tea or a dozen roses just to say I love you! Also, I’ll pick up around the house and look for chores to do without us having to talk about it. One of my favorite things to do for her is to draw a bath with bath bombs, candles and a glass of wine so she can unwind and relax. It’s during this time I’m usually cooking dinner or spending time with little man! Oh, one last thing, I also carry her to bed every evening when she falls asleep on the sofa. I have done this for as long as we’ve lived together.
The book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, breaks down 5 key factors that will make or break someone’s feeling of love and appreciation within their relationship. Ashley’s love languages are definitely Receiving Gifts and Acts of Service. My daily goal is to accomplish both!
I will first start off by saying that Chris’s love languages are, Physical Touch and Quality Time.
When Chris is having a stressful day I know that when I give him a simple kiss or just rub his back it will help take the stress away. He craves my touch more than anything. For Chris, it really shows him that I care and that my love is never ending. Chris is definitely more of a mushy, affectionate person than I am. That being said, this is something that I have had to work on over the years to satisfy my husbands needs from me.
Also, just because his love language is physical touch don’t assume that means sex every time I touch him, lol. Yes, sex is very important and I’ll talk about that below, but having a tender touch, you create emotional closeness.
Quality time is definitely a must! It’s funny because Chris and I work from home so that means we’re always together, but that doesn’t mean we have quality time everyday. With being around each other 24/7, I have to fit in our schedule that “time” for just us! Chris and I have date night every Wednesday night and if you open up my planner that night is always blocked out! I think quality time is hugely important if you want a successful marriage. Our day to day can get the best of us. So why not have the time with your spouse to just hang out, act a little crazy and truly date like when you first met! Wednesday’s are the highlight of our week!
So on Wednesday nights, You will find Chris and I probably hanging out at a classy bar with a few appetizers and our favorite cocktails. It’s a no phone environment and we just hang out and talk! Hump days are the best days!!! Haha!!!
The struggle is Real
Sometimes our love languages can become the struggle! Crazy right!?
It’s a struggle when you’re working and your husband is talking to you and you’re totally not paying attention!🤦♀️ It’s a struggle when your husband just looks at you waiting for the simple validation of a “thank you” from me because I didn’t realize the sweet act of kindness that he did. Naturally, I was to busy doing something else to notice.
Wife fail #1,456,789,458!
Point being: no marriage is perfect! I’m not perfect and my husband doesn’t expect me to be. We just have to notice our faults and be a better person for our spouse the next day. Everyday in marriage is a new learning experience. If you look at it that way and do what you can to better yourself for your spouse then you’re heading in the right direction.
Time for some honesty! We all have something that we can work on in terms of personal development. I realize I tend to overthink, over complicate and I make assumptions. These are my flaws and things I know I need to work on in order to become a better version of me and strengthen my marriage.
I love Ashley more than the normal human can admit they love someone, lol. I have made it my duty to be the best husband, father and man I can be for my family. I tend to their needs before mine and always put them first! However, there’s a limit that can be crossed that becomes overwhelming and too much.
Some of the arguments that happen between us can simply start from me trying to stay in control of our happy. Trying to be too involved in Ashely’s activities like that bath time I mentioned earlier. I pop in to check on her too much and don’t actually give her the space she needs to reset and relax. Alone time is something she needs and I’m learning through my struggle that it doesn’t mean she is intentionally avoiding me. She just enjoys time to herself. I do appreciate that she knows what she needs to stay balanced.
Fights! We both handle arguments completely different. It doesn’t make her right or me wrong but it’s the reality. Ashley likes to voice her side and then cool down alone. She knows when she gets upset she may say something she doesn’t really mean. I, on the other hand, like to handle the situation immediately. I prefer to talk until we both feel like we have heard each other and found resolution.
Compromise! I just let Ashley do her thing! I know she’s my wife and mine for eternity! I’ve learned to compromise and let her have her time to cool down first. Although I really want to fix a problem as quickly as possible, I know it’s in both of our best interests to let some time pass before we can find the compromise that works for the both of us, lol.
Let’s Talk about Sex Baby 🎼🎶
Time to get vulnerable! I can’t say that I’m not a little nervous discussing this topic, but I know it should be talked about!
Sex is one of the most important factors in a marriage. A healthy sex life is crucial in growing the dependency and understanding each other’s feelings and needs. Of course, when we say sex we include intercourse, but for us, sex life includes all of the extras that lead to physical sex.
Flirting and keeping things playful!
Men, don’t forget how you got your woman to fall in love with you! Don’t forget the sweet and flirtatious things you did that made her sex crazed for you! As time passes and comfort sets in, a sense of lazy and boring follows. The little extras you were doing during courtship still work, I promise you!
How do you think I still get my wife to look at me with desire? I still tease and flirt with her all of the time. I make her feel wanted and craved but not only in a way that makes her feel like I just want a quicky but that I crave her passionately! Women love and need to feel sexy and it’s your job to help her realize that she is to you! Ashley and I have been married now for 13 years and I would tell you that this has undoubtedly been our most exciting and most fun year yet! She 100% knows that she is and will be the only woman that can do it for me! You know what I mean! That stunning, hot goddess that churns my soul and gets me… well, maybe I need to slow down a bit! 😂
Omg! This is getting intense! 😂 Yes, slow down honey! Haha!
No, but seriously we need to make it fun and exciting! Ladies, do something different every so often and make your man swoon over you! Lead him on! Sexy Lingerie is a must! Surprise him when he comes home from a busy day and cook dinner in your new sexy ensemble! Don’t forget your heels!👠 Maybe you have kids and you’re reading this like,
“Well that sounds nice and all but our house is ran by little people and that won’ t work.”
Girl, I’m here to tell you that there are such things as babysitters! Make the time! Kick everyone out of your house for an evening and please your man!💋
Maybe, go to a local hotel for the evening and spice it up that way. I’m here to tell you we have had times of no sex, boring sex and the BEST SEX EVER! As we get older we will continue to learn and find out more about our spouses desires which is why having sex should be fun! The best part is God gave you this spouse to do that with! Claim him tight and keep him begging for you! ❤️
Faith and our Love for God
Our marriage is founded on our love for Christ. We have no problem sharing our faith with the world as God is the center focus of our family.
I can sit here and tell you that the #1 response that I tell people when they ask us how our marriage survives is 100% God! I love the fact the we’re a family that prays together!
When Chris comes over to me and just holds my hand and prays over me is the most romantic thing that he does!
Ephesians 5:25 (Message Bible)
25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.
Husbands, we are all called to love our wives in the deepest, most unselfish ways possible. What does that mean to me? It means I have to put Ashely’s feelings and needs before mine. I have blended my understanding of this verse along with how I strive to be more understanding during the struggles we’ve faced. We have been through some rough times but the one thing that has never failed us is love. Love… Love… Love! When I think about how God wants me to lead my wife, I know all things must begin and end with love.
My faith has been an ongoing process to say the least but I know the times I have focused on God, my marriage has been the best it’s ever been. God wants us to seek Him before all things. When I’m failing, falling or feel like we are in a rough patch, I pray more often and deeper than I usually do. I swear I find peace, patience and understanding. It’s like God allows me to see things from a different point of view.
So as Chris was saying, hard times have definitely occurred. As it should! This is how we learn from one another. Chris is my rock and my fortress besides my Heavenly Father. God has guided us on pretty much every aspect in our marriage. For those of you reading this that maybe don’t know about our Savior, He’s beautiful in every way. He’s the purist definition of LOVE. He’s forgiving and full of grace.
Chris and I hate religion. Let me just say that. It’s more about having a relationship with God.
In 1 Peter 3 and Ephesians 5:33 God specifically commands that wives should honor and respect their husbands.
When I read the Scriptures, it reminds me that God wants me to allow Chris to lead our family. Honor and respect are two very important topics in a marriage. Ladies, please know that this doesn’t mean to do everything that your husband tells you to do! If I want Chris to protect me and take care of me, I have to honor him and trust his lead.
I speak destiny into my husband’s life and I let him know that my expectations are for him to be bold and protective as I learn to be submissive.
Ephesians 5:22-24 (Message Bible)
Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.
To wrap things up, Marriage is complicated.
It takes hard work, dedication, compromise but most of all commitment in order to achieve real love and have a successful marriage. It’s learning who you are as the years go on. As spouse, we should be constantly changing and learning to adapt and grow to each other’s needs.
I do highly recommend every marriage, especially newlyweds to read, “ The Five Love Languages.” You can order a copy here: Five Love Languages
If you have found that this blog post was helpful in anyway, please feel free to share this on your social media. I would also love to hear from you as well so please don’t be afraid to message or drop a comment below!
Marriage is suppose to be fun and exotic! Love with all you have and don’t forget to step back from life and look into each others eyes. After all, this is the person you will grow old with!
Chris & Ashley ❤️