The Ugly That Haunts Me

 

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You heard that right! I deal with all kinds of stuff on the daily! One day I could wake up in the greatest mood ever and the next day I can roll out of bed as a royal pain in the ass! Lol! Yes, I love Jesus and cuss a little. He still loves me!

Some days I wake up giddy, and some days I wake up sad. Some days I’m on fire with work and some days I fall way back!

Now, before I get started, I pray that you find peace within my message and that you know you’re not alone in the crazy mess I call life! This blog post will be the brutal truth and I won’t sugar coat anything so get your wine ready and let’s dive in!

Struggle #1 – Faithfulness

So I use to have this amazing routine every morning and let’s just say I haven’t been on this routine in what feels like forever. I use to wake up every morning at 5:30am before the boys would wake and I would spend my time in God’s word. I would journal my thoughts and prayers for the day. Maybe I can blame it on moving into a new house in a new city. Maybe I can blame it on wanting to wake up early and going for my run instead. Maybe it was because we switched to a new company and everything was just nuts! From rumors, lies, betrayal from those who you thought were your friends. I mean we literally found out new things about ourselves everyday lol. It was entertaining, to say the least, but maybe I was just so numb from the hurt that I didn’t care anymore. Or maybe I can blame it on just not having enough time! The crazy part, when I use to do this every day it became a routine. I looked forward to waking up and spending my alone time with God. He spoke to me and I listened. My day was started with such beauty and hope and I craved it! So what changed? All the excuses above? YEP!

I lost track and slid back from the most important and influential person in my life. Sadly, my relationship with God took the back burner when in all actuality It should’ve been the strongest. He has always been faithful to me, but I haven’t been faithful back. If it wasn’t for him I would’ve never switched to a new company that he was so strongly pressing on my heart to do. This is when my faith was at it’s peek. I was obedient and I listened to every word he was telling me, even when I knew it was going to cause massive disturbance and hurt from those around me, including my family.

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However, I was faithful to his calling and I did what he was asking of me. The company we’re with now is exactly what we needed and he knew it all along. Life is great, we’ve never been happier, our friendships are strong, the drama is no longer in our lives because we don’t accept it, yet here I am ……. and he’s so far away.

I’ve heard it so many times before, when life is going great we fall back from God, yet when life is tough we get closer to God. Ugh… it’s so true!!! This is my verbal contract to all of you, myself and God that I’m coming back full force! There is absolutely no reason for my absence to HIM just because we are at a great place in our lives.

Signed: Ashley Casey

6/26/19

Struggle #2 Feeling like a Failure

Oh man! I have to say it’s very healing to open up about my struggles with you all, but so dang scary too!

Do you ever have those days where you just feel like a failure? I do. Yes, even me ladies! A top leader in my industry yet here I am feeling like I’m not doing enough. It’s actually really hard to be a leader. Feeling like you always have to prove to everyone that you’re always enrolling new customers and business builders into your business. ( My network marketers will understand this). I remember the beginning of last month I enrolled 17 people in 2 weeks! It was crazy awesome and I was stoked! Then the following week creeps in and no enrollments. Then the next and so on. I remember spending two days in my room after feeling like a horrible leader and just crying. I closed all the windows and didn’t talk to anyone. I closed out the world. My son thought I was just sick and he would get a wet cloth and place it on my forehead. When he left I sobbed more. My husband obviously knew what was going on and he would just hold me. Desperately doing whatever he could to get me out of my own prison. He held my hand and placed his other hand over my head and prayed like I’ve never heard him pray before! There is nothing hotter than that ladies!!! Like, melt my heart. A man who prays over you is a KEEPER!

The expectations for us are just way too much! Seriously! I’m no different from you and you’re no different from me. Why do we do this to ourselves? Just because I have a “high title” doesn’t mean that I don’t go through the motions. I definitely created my own expectations on myself and that is 100% my own fault!

Expectations feed frustration! It is an unhealthy attachment to people, things, and outcomes we wish we could control; but don’t! -Dr. Steve Maraboli

It’s easy to fall into this trap, but this trap is also a lie! You’re not a failure! You’re a damn masterpiece and the most powerful source on this planet! I truly believe that when we compare ourselves to others and their successes is when feeling like a failure starts to take root. Hear me when I tell you, that you’re only insulting yourself when you’re comparing yourself to someone else! You won’t be distracted by comparison when you’re captivated with purpose! xoxo

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Struggle #3 My Family

For those of you who have been following me, you know that my family is my everything! I have been with my husband since we were 15. Highschool sweethearts! We had our son Ethan very young too. I was only 22. My boys are my entire world. Without them, I’m not really sure what purpose I would have if I’m being 100% real with you. They’re my biggest supporters and cheer me on every day!

My love for them is deep, however, I feel I lack a lot of emotion! NOT GOOD! My son must tell me at least 5-7 times a day that he loves me. I’m not exaggerating that btw. My husband does the same as well and tells me how beautiful I am every day. Of course, our son has picked up on what his father is doing and I couldn’t be more proud. However me on the other hand, I’m never the one to really start the whole mushy gushy stuff. Now don’t get me wrong, when the boys tell me they love me, of course, I respond back with awe I love you too. I’m not that harsh lol. I just am not the mushy type I guess. Is that bad? Am I a bad person? This is something that I am praying for. That God would soften my heart and show my love as much as possible to my family.

I feel like the world has beaten me down and made my heart like stone. You give and give and give, just to be slapped across the face from people you thought cared for you. I remember being so loving and caring, always going out of my way to be a light to others. That girl left a long time ago tho. I miss her and I would do anything to have her back, but when you’ve been beaten up by people you start to change. Your heart becomes like stone.  God, please give me grace. I pray I get back to that place of endless love and forgiveness…

Struggle #4 Anxiety

I swear this topic is taking over the world! I never had problems with anxiety until about 3 years ago. The feeling of just leaving the house to head to an event will make my heart race. So many people, so many people, so many people……. thump thump thump.

You probably would’ve never guessed that right? I’m always traveling, going to events, etc, but this is a huge part of what I deal with now. Just the thought of a bunch of people in a room has me in a straight panic! I can’t even count the times when we are at the mall and I’m shopping in a store that all of a sudden gets bombarded by tons of people and I put all the clothes back and walk out. Or when we are at the checkout counter and my husband just looks at me and tells me to step outside and breath and he will be right there! He can now since it all over me when anxiety hits.

It’s EXHAUSTING!!!! WHY!!??? Why is this happening? Again, I use to be so full of life, energetic, excited to mingle with new people. Now it’s just the thought and I’m already a complete basket case.

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Jesus, thank you for wine because it’s definitely is a contributing factor to calming my nerves before I go out. Judge me all you want sister… I don’t care! Lol.

I have other ways besides wine of course that has truly helped my anxiety.

1. I run every day – this is a great stress reliever for me. I don’t think about ANYTHING! Just me and my earbuds. We are besties every morning!

2. Find a mantra- positive affirmations everyday help me so much! Speaking life over myself and claiming that I’m a child of God works wonders! I also tell the enemy that he has no foothold over me!!!! Speak life over yourself every day and watch the harvest! God is so good!

3. Talk to someone who gets it! – this is so important! I’m beyond thankful for my best friend Francis she totally gets me because she struggles with this as well. When you have someone to open up to that gets it, it helps with the healing process and the knowing that you are not alone! It’s nice to know you can vent to someone who understands YOU!

4. Alone time- this is a must! I try to take an hour bath every night! Just me and my water and bath bombs lol. Wine is exceptional lol. I look forward to this every day!

Sister, if you suffer from anxiety I also want you to know that speaking to a medical professional is totally okay! They are here to help you, but you can also incorporate some of the above into your daily activities for relief.

With much practice, I no longer let anxiety run my life. However, some days are harder than others and that’s okay! I take it day by day because that’s all I can do.

My sweet girlfriends, thank you for reading my blog post. It’s been a while and I’m so excited to really open up with you all more about my life and what I’ve been through!! I have a list ready to go so be ready! I’ll be sharing everything from my weakest moments, overcoming betrayal and hurt, to of course fashion and everything in between!

Blessings to you all and may you know how loved and valued you are!

Ash xoxo

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3 thoughts on “The Ugly That Haunts Me

  1. I absolutely love this! This totally hit me hard. I have those same struggles daily and I know I need to get in more with God. Thank you so much for sharing this! Love reading your blogs because they do help me daily with getting my mind right and taking action in areas I need to take action in.

    Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ash! You’re just amazing. From high school to now, I am blessed to call you friend. Thank you for always be real and telling it like it is! Thank you for leaning on Jesus ! He’s the only way! Keep seeking him girl! 💕 love you!

    Like

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